


coming out of my cage (and ive been doing just fine)

by riverblujay



Series: analogical human au [7]
Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: ADHD Logan Sanders, Alternate Universe - College/University, Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, M/M, author may or may not be projecting real life events onto fictional characters again, prequel i guess, this takes place before the rest of the series, vaugely angst??
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-11
Updated: 2019-01-14
Packaged: 2019-09-16 04:38:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,198
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16947144
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/riverblujay/pseuds/riverblujay
Summary: logan and adhd: a journey(because some kids slip through the cracks)





	1. gotta, gotta be down, because i want it all

**Author's Note:**

> soooo this is kind of a Thing thats been happening with me lately (as in, discovering im probably (????) adhd and will have to find out how to bring it up with parentals)
> 
> this is also largely unedited but idc honestly

Logan didn’t  _ get it. _

Well, not the material- that, he was mostly understanding. But what was currently escaping him (had always, really) was the reason behind just how bad his procrastination could be at times. And how no matter how hard he was trying, he couldn’t seem to write this fucking essay.

He massaged his temples again, flicking his forehead a few times for good measure- maybe that would knock some sense into his brain. (Logan knew it didn’t work like that, but the barest hints of pain from his fingers hitting the skin somehow made him feel better.) 

Honestly, Logan had always been a chronic procrastinator; even though he had been in all honors and AP classes throughout high school, his freshman year of college hadn’t been going as smoothly as he had hoped. For some reason, Logan had foolishly thought his issues would just go away and he would magically gain all of the study skills that most of his peers had developed throughout their lives. 

_ Ugh, _ he thought in frustration. He really wanted to bang his head against the library table, but he also figured the other patrons wouldn’t appreciate the noise, considering how close it was to finals. The blinking cursor on the blank page seemed to taunt him.

_ Why are you struggling? You can do it. Just fucking start it. It’s not that hard,  _ a part of Logan’s brain told him. The other part of his brain was currently clocked out, unfortunately for him and his essay. 

He took a sip from his coffee- caramel brûlée latte from the library Starbucks- and attempted to push himself a little more. Logan couldn’t fail. Logan  _ wasn’t  _ a failure. He could totally do this.  
  


\---

 

He did do it, eventually. 

That was one of his main problems, honestly- he always managed to get everything done, even though Logan _also_ always accidentally pushed himself down to the wire. Hell, in his senior year of high school he had written most of his AP Literature independent novel paper (a whole eight pages) the night before it was due. Sure, Logan couldn’t say he was _proud_ of his procrastination, but that wasn’t to say he didn’t do it well when it happened.

Currently, Logan- instead of looking over his own notes- was staring across the table at Virgil, who was absorbed in studying. His boyfriend (a novel concept that still made Logan giddy, to be quite honest) glanced back up at him. “L?” Virgil asked.

“Yeah?”

“Any particular reason you’re staring at me and not your notes? I know that you’re a chem major, but you  _ do _ need to pass stats.”

Logan, who was an expert at deflecting, easily (proverbially) stepping around the second half of Virgil’s statement. “Just because I love you.” His boyfriend blushed. 

“Um- uh- wait, you’re avoiding the topics that make you uncomfortable again.”

Logan sighed. “Okay. I hate stats,” he admitted.

“Hey, better than my math. I have to do bullshit personal finance stuff.”

Virgil flashed him a small grin, which Logan tried to use as strength in finishing his stats homework. (It was working a slight bit. Not well enough.) He stretched out in his seat, the restless feeling that always followed him flaring up again. Resuming the position of hunching over his notes, Logan’s leg kept bouncing like it always did (until he tried to stop it, which took a conscious effort, which was less effort put into comprehending the work in front of him, which made him more frustrated, which set his leg back off again).

Eventually, (meaning roughly half an hour later) Virgil glanced at Logan with a strange look in his eye, head tilted sideways just a smidge. “Logan,” His boyfriend said seriously, “Were you… well, have you ever been tested for ADHD?”

He made a face in confusion. “What? No. That’s preposterous. I don’t have ADHD,” Logan replied. This time Virgil looked at him with resigned eyes and a raised eyebrow. “Come on,” he said. “It wouldn’t be that hard to believe.”

“I’m fine.”

“You’ve gone your entire life without  _ anyone _ even  _ considering _ you might have ADHD?”

“I said I’m fine,” Logan snipped.

Virgil raised his hands in a gesture of surrender. “Okay, okay. But if you did have it, it’s not a  _ bad _ thing.”

Logan sighed in resignation, but reassured his boyfriend with further placates and attempted to push himself into his assignment. Hopefully they would be able to forget this exchange ever happened and move on.

\---  
  


Except now that Virgil had brought it up, the thought wouldn’t leave his head.

It felt like Logan was constantly looking over his childhood and adolescence with a critical eye, cross referencing with checklists that matched scarily well. Online quizzes based on official diagnostic criteria that he always scored well above the threshold on, even when underestimating the symptoms. ( _ His _ symptoms.) 

ADHD rang too many bells, answered too many questions, and it scared Logan to his core. 

It wasn’t that he felt there was anything  _ wrong _ with being ADHD, but applying that label to himself- or even the idea of making an appointment for someone to tell him that maybe he wasn’t crazy and the label fit? That was terrifying. Being frustrated, at himself in particular, was normal and what he was used to. Procrastinating and general disorganization, he knew inside and out. Lengthy and wordy readings being more of a struggle to fully comprehend than he made it appear to others? Everyday stuff.

All of that not being Logan’s fault? Nerve wracking.

But he was nothing if not a researcher- known to spend literal hours on a topic if it pulled enough of his interest ( _ hyperfocus, _ his mind unwillingly supplied)- so Logan did what he was best at:  
  
  


_ Draft _ _ : logan.sanders@gmail.com to  _ _  /       / _

 

_ Title:  _ _ This is to convince me as much as it is to convince you _

  
  


**_Reasons I should get tested for ADHD: a summary_ **

 

 

  * __You have been irritated by the way I bounce my leg for years.__


  * _I keep scoring well above the minimum score for ADHD on tests using the same diagnostic criteria._


  * _Coffee has caffeine (stimulant) and some ADHD people self medicate with caffeine (I can have coffee before bed and sleep fine; sometimes I sleep better than I do without consuming any)._


  * _Start tasks but do not always finish them._


  * _Chronic procrastination- something ADHD people have in an extreme amount._


  * _College has triggered quite a bit of executive dysfunction, something that resonated once I realized there was a term for that._


  * _I occasionally hyperfocus and have been known to hyperfixate._


  * _I am sometimes impulsive, especially when it comes to things like coffee or eating out, I’ve found._


  * _I have always been hypersensitive to some things (textures especially- we cut the tags out of my shirts when I was younger and to this day hate turtlenecks._


  * _I have trouble tuning out excess stimuli- background noise/conversations, occasionally bright lights, etc._


  * _Anxiety and depression are often comorbid with ADHD (comorbid meaning they both occur; sometimes, a person is treated for the depression and anxiety, but the underlying ADHD is not addressed._



 

 

_ Attached files: practicescore.jpg, <link to video //focusing on adult adhd// >, <link to site //other resources// > _

 

_ Save draft? _

 

 _Yes_ _No_

  
  
  


He compiles information, because knowledge is key. 

 

\---

 

“So I’ve been thinking about what you said,” Logan shyly remarked in the middle of their cuddling session. Logan’s roommate had already checked out for winter break, but he never really minded Virgil’s presence anyways. 

“Wait, what did I say?”

“The fact that I might actually have ADHD,” Logan mumbled. “I- um- I’ve been doing research. Among other things.”

His boyfriend turned around to face him. “I’m proud of you.”

“Why?” Logan asked, brows slightly furrowing together of their own accord.

Virgil sighed. “Because,” the other said in a low and even voice, “I know it’s kind of scary. And the fact that you’re willing to look into it instead of ignore it… that shows a lot about you, L.”

Logan blushed. “Yeah, well,” he continued, “it’s not over yet. I have to actually convince my parents to get me tested. And work up the courage to ask them about it in the first place.”

“I’m sure it’ll go fine,” Virgil reassured, his hand resting on Logan’s cheek for a second too long. There was only time for a quick cheek kiss on Virgil’s part before he turned back around so his back was against Logan’s chest and abdomen. The two snuggled closer, not caring about anything around them, seeing as neither had any commitments early tomorrow morning. 

Logan tried to let himself be lulled to sleep by Virgil’s warmth, restlessness still flowing through his bones and thoughts rushing like river rapids. Still, like always, he managed to drift off at some point in the late hours of the night.  
  


\---

 

Honestly, this would be one of the scariest things Logan had done since starting college. That is, confronting his parents about his suspected ADHD.

Sure, his parents were chill on so many levels- his coming out had taken them off guard, but they hadn’t let it faze them. Logan loved his parents so much, and he honestly wasn’t sure  _ what _ would happen when he confessed his suspicions. Yet here he was.

Logan’s plan was currently to bring it up on the three hour car ride home after the midwinter moving out of the dorms. He still had a few hours before his scheduled check out, though; in the meantime Logan helped Virgil move out of his dorm since his boyfriend’s grandmother wasn’t able to come that day.

It wasn’t particularly laborious work, nor precisely technical: it was simply loading a few boxes and containers (of laundry, mostly) and a duffel bag into Virgil’s car. Just before Virgil began his drive, he embraced Logan in a deep hug. “Make sure to text me, okay?”

Logan smiled into Virgil’s shoulder despite himself. “Okay,” he agreed.

“And tell me how the ADHD thing goes.”

“I will.”

What a sight the couple must have been, he wondered to himself. Virgil, in his purple patched hoodie and loose charcoal sweatpants, Logan in a t-shirt and jeans because he hadn’t wanted to bother with the full dress ensemble today. The two finally let go of each other, Virgil gifting Logan with one last kiss before entering his car and began the drive to his house. As the car faded into the distance, Logan felt his fingers tapping restlessly against his upper thigh.

With nothing else to do- he was mostly packed up already- and three hours to kill, Logan stopped at the campus dining hall. Not fancy, and sometimes not edible, but he didn’t have to pay for it either. Which was always a plus. Time seemed to move rapidly, now, and he managed to finish all the packing up he had left.

When they arrived, Logan and his parents went through the motions of “Hi!” and “How are you?” He knew that  _ they _ knew something was up, but it wasn’t until they were all back on the road that Logan spoke up.

“So,” Logan said more timidly than he’d ever said anything in his entire life. “I want to get tested for ADHD.”


	2. and it's all in my head

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> testing: part i

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so,,, been a hot sec (partly so that this could happen to Full Accuracy)

There had already been a, quite frankly, ridiculous amount of paperwork, and Logan hadn’t even gone to the appointment yet.

Apparently, in order to streamline the process on the day of their appointment, patients were sent a packet in the mail to complete and bring with them to the office. After he first saw the paperwork, Logan couldn’t help but agree. He would have never been able to fill out twelve pages in a timely manner at the doctor’s office, even if some of them were simply signatures for insurance purposes. 

The college freshman sat at the desk in his room, bouncing his right leg rapidly and rolling a pen in his fingers as he tried to answer the questions given to him. Some had been easier than others- medical history, family information, etc., versus questions such as “What are your three greatest fears/worries?” It wasn’t necessarily easy, but Logan still pushed through and managed to complete the packet the night before his appointment. 

There had been a strange weight to the atmosphere over the last few weeks. Logan’s suspicions about himself… well, they hadn’t been met with outright denial.

 

_ “So… I want to get tested for ADHD,” Logan said to his parents as he sat in the backseat. It would be a lie to say that the car screeched to a halt, but his father- who was driving- seemed to tap the breaks a little too forcefully as the car approached the stoplight.  _

_ “What?” Logan’s mom asked in pure confusion. “ADHD? Why?” _

_ He took a breath to steel himself. “Because I think I might have it- at the very least a mild form of it, though in my opinion it seems to be a slight bit more than mild.” _

_ “Any, um- particular- reasons why you think that, Logan?” his father posed hesitantly. _

_ “Well,” Logan swallowed, “I… have been finding myself having more trouble concentrating. On homework, in particular. And in some lectures. When one of my friends-” Logan hadn’t exactly  _ told _ his parents about his and Virgil’s relationship, yet- “asked whether or not anyone had ever thought to test me for ADHD, I thought it was preposterous and told him as such.  _

_ “But then I found self-screening quizzes online that use official diagnostic criteria. And, well,” Logan took a deep breath in apprehension, “a lot of them… fit.” _

_ “How do you know it’s not just your anxiety acting up?” His mother questioned.  _

_ He grimaced. “I don’t. But I also think it is more than that, which is why I was hoping to get testing over break. Just to be sure.” _

_ The awkward silence carried through the car for the next few miles. Logan stared out the window and watched the scenery pass as his parents likely held a silent conversation. “We’ll look for a place, okay?” His dad acquiesced. “That way we can know for sure.” _

_ “Thank you,” Logan said. “I appreciate it.” _

  
  


Logan really was grateful for the family he had. Sure, there were occasional issues, but he didn’t doubt that he could have been a lot worse off, and that a lesser set of parents might not have believed him, especially because he didn’t really fit the “stereotypical person with ADHD” mold.

Logan made good grades, Logan “performed under pressure” (or whatever  _ that _ meant), Logan had never been climbing up and down the walls as a child. He was in honors (and eventually AP) classes all throughout elementary, middle, and high school. He honestly didn’t classify himself as super impulsive, either. 

But... he also was a chronic procrastinator. He had skated by in middle and high school, with practically no study skills to speak for. Logan drank coffee like his life depended on it, partially to stay awake and partially because he just felt…  _ calmer _ , when he did drink it. He took notes, but they were always filled with doodles and sometimes were not the best resource when studying. 

Logan had always switched between subjects during homework or studying like they were channels on the TV. There were assignments that ended up taking hours longer than he had heard peers say it had taken them to complete. Logan couldn’t comprehend how people actually listened to music while studying- anytime he tried, he couldn’t focus on actually studying. He could barely tune out background noise, much less actual music.

He was  _ restless _ , a  _ lot. _ Logan fidgeted, either bouncing a leg, or tapping his fingers, or running a hand through his hair, or messing with the pop socket on his phone case. Logan didn’t always “zone out,” per se, but he was quick to lose focus on the task at hand unless he was 5000 percent interested in it. He  _ could _ do a task, but actually doing and completing it was always another matter entirely.

So maybe he wasn’t the poster child for ADHD. But there was enough evidence to make Logan at least wonder if he wasn’t imagining it.  
  


\---

 

Surprise, surprise- the actual appointment included even  _ more _ paperwork. 

These, for the most part, were moreso “screening questionnaires.” (His mother had reminded him to answer how he actually felt, and not how he  _ thought _ he should feel, which did  _ wonders _ for Logan’s self confidence.) One of the forms was similar to the online test he had done, but in more detail; another was about drug and alcohol abuse, which Logan breezed through with a quick stream of “no” to every question. The waiting room that he was currently sitting in had a children’s television show playing, which was irritating (because it was highly distracting- how was he supposed to answer questions when there was a TV blaring loudly  _ right there _ ).

When Logan was finally,  _ finally _ done, a nurse (he supposed, Logan wasn’t quite sure if there was a specific term to be used in this instance or not) took him into a back room and recorded his height, weight, and blood pressure as if this were his general practitioner. 

Afterwards, Logan was led into a different room by the same nurse. She asked him lots of questions, mostly what he had answered on the packet he had filled out, but here he was expected to explain his answers in more detail. Talking about his anxieties was surprisingly hard, especially because it felt rather stupid to say that virtually his only anxiety lately had been “school.” Or rather, everything that Logan had been anxious about, recently, had been related to schoolwork: essays (and his lackluster attempt at starting/completing them in a timely manner), mostly, but also homework and tests.

The discussion portion of the appointment felt even longer than the part where Logan had to fill in all the paperwork he had been given upon his arrival. His leg had been bouncing and his fingers had been tapping almost non-stop (the habit, while normally unintentional, was also something that increased exponentially when Logan was anxious).

“Any motor tics?” The nurse asked.

He bit his lip and frowned in thought. “No, I don’t think so?”

She nodded, then muttered as she wrote, “-bounces leg and finger tapping.”

Logan blushed. “Oh. I- uh- I didn’t realize those counted as ‘motor tics.’”

“That’s alright,” she smiled at him. “Lots of folks don’t think of what they do as ‘motor tics,’ ‘til you explain it to ‘em.” 

“Right. Okay.” Logan hesitantly remarked.

The interview continued for only a few more questions, and Logan also had to clarify that he was scared he was imagining his symptoms, or perhaps misinterpreting anxiety as potential ADHD (a thought that he originally had that was strengthened by his mom).

(Logan loved both of his parents, and they had been overall accepting of him being gay, but that didn’t mean his relationship with them was perfect- especially with his mother.)

“Alright, only one more part to go,” the nurse said as she beckoned Logan to follow her into a small room- office, really- with two computers. “Now, I’m going to show you how each of these tests work, and at some point Dr. Walker is going to pop in for a sec to introduce herself. Any questions so far?”

“None, as of yet,” Logan replied. She smiled at him, saying “Great!” as the pair entered. 

“So,” the nurse- Logan really wished he hadn’t forgotten her name mere minutes after he heard it, but he wasn’t going to let it show- began to explain. “As you can see, we have two computers. We’re going to ignore the first one for the moment, since that one is timed.” Logan nodded and followed her, sitting down in the computer chair. “Now, this one is going to have you answer questions about depression and anxiety, and such- the number of questions will depend on your answers. You said that you’ve never done any type of alcohol or drugs?” She paused as Logan nodded.

“There’ll be a question about that with lots of different choices- on that one, choose number nine so that it’ll filter out all of those types of questions for you,” she finished with a smile. Logan nodded again. 

“Hello,” a mild voice said from the entryway. “Oh, Logan,” the nurse said, “this is Dr. Walker. She’s going to be talking about your results with you during the follow up appointment next week.”

“Oh- um,” Logan stammered awkwardly. “Hello,” he finally settled on, facing Dr. Walker.

She was middle-aged, if he had to say- probably around his parents’ ages. Her hair was curly and honey brown, kept at a length so that it just brushed her shoulders. “Hi Logan,” she stated, reaching a hand out to shake, “Nice to meet you.”

Logan tried to appear nonchalant and took it, giving a firm but not aggressive shake. Dr. Walker said her goodbyes and then left the room. The nurse continued explaining the instructions for the computer Logan was currently sitting at, although there weren’t many more; that portion seemed to be relatively straightforward.

“Now,” she said, directing Logan to the computer closer to the door, “this part will be timed. I’ll have you do a practice test first so you can get the feel of it.” Logan nodded and swallowed as he sat down- strange; he usually wasn’t so… quiet.

The nurse resumed her instructions. “For this one, all you have to do is press the spacebar whenever you see a letter flash on the screen, except for the letter x. But if you do accidentally press the spacebar, don’t break down or anything- it just means that you  _ do _ have some form of attention deficit disorder.”

“Okay,” Logan said, and she began the practice test (the real one would be fourteen minutes, he was informed after the practice test had finished.

_ A, K, C… D… I…. X… _

_ Shit,  _ Logan thought right after he pressed the spacebar.

_ U. R. X. P. S. X. E. Z. _

He internally groaned. It was only the practice test, for fuck’s sake, and he was messing up.

_ Y. Q, X  _ (Logan internally celebrated as he managed to not press space),  _ S, T, P, X, I, F, X, B. _

(The other two he didn’t do so well on.)

It must have only been a minute or so later before the practice test was over, and he steeled himself for the “real one.” The nurse asked if he was ready before starting the test and leaving the room.

Despite any mental preparation that Logan might have attempted, he still did as poorly in the actual test as he did in the practice one. Sure, there were maybe two or three times he managed to stop himself, but three in fourteen minutes wasn’t that great of an average. The time dragged on, with an internal mantra of “don’t press the x, don’t press the x, don’t press the x, don’t press the x,” that was whispered aloud at some point. (Whispering it aloud didn’t seem to help.)

By the time he was done with the test, Logan was slightly mentally exhausted for reasons he couldn’t fathom. He went ahead and completed the questionnaire pulled up on the other computer screen, choosing option nine when he was supposed to, and finished that one as well. Logan stood and crossed the short hallway to the help desk- then quick ducked back into the waiting room to grab his mother, since it was about scheduling his follow-up appointment.

What? Just because he was eighteen didn’t mean he was good at “adulting.” (Also, his mother was the one paying, and she had the credit card.)

The car ride home was slightly awkward- not unlike the one where Logan first mentioned his suspicions about potentially having ADHD.

“So?” Logan’s mother asked, breaking the silence. “How did it go?”

Logan hesitated. “Okay, I guess.”

“Do they, you know…”

“Do they think I have ADHD?”

“Yes,” his mother stated. “Did they tell you anything?”

Logan sighed. “No, mom, that’s what the appointment next week is for.”

She pursed her lips. “I know you think I’m being overbearing, or crazy, or whatever, but- I just-” his mother sighed. “I love you, Logan- you know that, right?”

Logan glanced at her, and could see…  _ something _ … in her expression, before she continued. “No mother wants their child to struggle. And I- just know that I want what’s best for you, Logan. That’s why we’re doing this. I  _ want _ you to do well. I don’t want to be the mom that told you that you were ‘lying’ and made everything even worse. You deserve to be able to do your best, so if that means getting diagnosed- if you  _ do _ have ADHD- so you can get medicine to help you is  _ how _ you can achieve your best, then I’m with you, full stop. ”

Logan cracked a small smile. “Thanks,” he said. She smiled back at him.

Next week, he would learn the truth, whatever that truth happened to be. For now, Logan pushed everything on the subject out of his mind as the two made their way back home.

**Author's Note:**

> [my tumblr](https://pastelvirgil.tumblr.com)


End file.
